I Dreamed a Dream

when i was 6 or so, i remembered that i was looked at my 12 years old 6th grader at my school with these weird feeling - i don't know if i have to called it envy or just a childish jealousy- i wanted to be like them, i wanted to be as cool as them, like i WANNA GROW fast. i want to be those cool kids and act like a senior around younger kids.

Seventeen years later, which is now, i'd kill to have those childhood moment one more time. 

Funny how growing old turns out wasn't that good. And now i understand why being a child is the best thing ever.

as we grow, we found out there's these kind of weird situation that could makes you're heart feel ache, indescribable pain. Not only you're heart, some of these symptoms such as disappoinment, a very tired mind and body yet you can't sleep, a miserable feeling, heartbroken, rejection, and other failure that might prettify our lives. NO, i'm not saying that we shouldn't grow up, but sometimes when you grows it's not only a matter of number, but it's our maturity that counts. We always have this conversation between our friends or even to ourselves about someone that older than you but they're attitude isn't showing the same number, right? yes that kind of thing.

as we grow older, there are lots of thing that we should compromise. not only we have to compromise when people hurt us (intentionally or not), but we also yield what we really wants in order to maintain something more valuable than just what we wants (Friendship, Family, Lover for example)

 

as i grow up i've been rejected, reject, love, loved, at at some point i hit my lowest point where i felt worthless, loser, or a dirtbag, but somehow i bounce back and learnt from my mistake and figure where did i went wrong.

and now, after a few years of living in a good reality, i hit that lowest point again, where i can't even shed my tears.

have you ever heard you're dreams crumble in front of you?

i have

i heard it day by day 

and i fight the urge to slam my head to the wall for every hours that i live.

i fight the urge of hurting myself.

The storm will somehow pass, it won't rain forever. They said

Everything will make sense one day. They said.

after living a good reality where i know what to do next, and figure out what exactly i wanted, where i have a purpose for living, today those were like a good dream.

felt like those Les Miserables song, i dreamed a dream

i thought that life will be better than this hell i'm living.

not that i never tried to change this situation i'm on.

i tried, i try, i'm trying. every single day.

but somehow, i suddenly become Alice, where everything that i wanted to reach suddenly feel so small and so far away. When i tried to reach it, the smaller and the further it's gets.

but when i felt so miserable that i think being death were better than this,

my wise old beloved mom did say these words of wisdom  

there are several things in life that goes beyond our control and capability.

when that do happens in you're life, it's the way you react thats gonna change it. 

when you think there's no way out, you have to keep moving forward, in case you might closer to the exit door than you think.

life's a mystery and a misery. things are rarely goes the way we wanted.

well, there are some lucky one whose life goes well, but no matter how you keep thinking about it, it won't get you anywhere. try you're own luck, or make you're own luck. since life's a mystery, you never know what you might find at the end of the tunnels right? 

don't stop believing, praying, and trying. When you shows how determined you are, somehow hardwork will never betray you

it's a part of growing up, because if you grow without these pain and miserable thing, you never really appreciate things, or even people because you never been in their shoes. but now that you felt this hardship on your own, you will learn one things that any parents might can't even teach : sympathy

don't you worry for any troubles that ahead you there always be a lesson that no one can ever teach.

experience always has been the best teacher, uh?

let them teach you then. 

( i exaggerated some words, but in the end the lesson that counts !)

i realize that no matter how hard it is. you have to tried and work harder, even when it's get rough.

because there might be no rainbow now, and the storm were too hard too handle

but the bigger the storm, 

the prettier the rainbow.

i still living in these hell i am, but i don't give up as i did yesterday.

no, i can't.