Happy Late Valday Part 2

So.. the conclusion is, no matter how you think you loved someone, if they hurt you continuously, then it's not love. Some just convince their self that this is love so the pain and the heartache were reduced, but actually we just make thing worst. We just didn't let ourselves to be happy.

For me.. once again for me.. i've learnt it the hard way that i simply don't wainna ever again gives someone a third chances or more. I've given my ex probably 50 or something chances, i didn't count it anyway. And there's also someone else that i've given a second chances (beside my ex. Long story ) and ends up badly.
Everyone deserve a second chance, so for some people who still thinks they can't through the breakup, it's okay to once again giving a chance. But when they do dissapoint you again, you have to realize that if they love you, they simply gonna try harder not to hurt you. But if they did not put effort on it, why do you even bother to waste your time with this kind of a person? it's almost like one sided love.

But if you loved someone so much that you would gave them 100 chances or more, then don't complain about how bad your partner treat you or hurt you! ever! for the first or second time they hurt you, it's okay to complain about them to LOTS of people, but when it comes to third chances or more, it's already your choice. don't whine and play as a victim while you didn't even love yourself. Sympathy of others for the role of a girl/boy whose been hurt but still true to their abusive (mentally or physically) partner were never meant to be toyed. know your worth. People will find it annoying too if you don't love yourself. Believe me i've been in those "victim" position, and i'm not proud of it. I hate it when some people just bragging about their abusive relationship to lots of people in order for them to pity him/her, and they feels like saint while people giving a comment such as :
"OMG, he's not worth it, you're beautiful, he's freaking ugly, he even lucky just to have you,  you're such a faithful person"
"He's so terrible, you deserve much better"
and on and on and on.
Deep down, i think this kind of person felt proud by telling their stories where they were a faithful, cheerful, wonderful human being and got hurt by their partner but love him/her so much that they willing to get hurt.
You know, if they loved their partner so much, they wouldn't told their partner's ugly sides toward everyone simply because they don't want him/her to be judge. So i never symphathize this kind of person. i think they don't deserve it.They just want drama and attention (No offense for anyone, if you feels so, i'm so deeply sorry) Unless you told only your nearest circle that you can count by your own finger.

for me, love is patience, when your loved one's happiness become your priority, when every single word of them were actually feels like a song to you, and you willing to hear they talked over and over again,even if what interest them didn't interest you much, but you willing to learn or hear about it  Love also where every opinion matter, and you like them the way they are instead of shape them into what you wanted. Your love one might be not perfect. But have you think that you aren't perfect either? but they love you the way you were. it's about take them as they are and you tried to be a better person for them. Understand their shortage but still love them.

And to clarify something, i might have told every worst thing about my ex that caused me broke up with him. But actually he's a nice man. you know, no one ever been such a douche that they had nothing good on them. It just, probably ... we never meant to be, and i didn't much understand him and so do him to me.

and if you were in abusive relationship right now, please do know your worth ... i've been seeing my friends in this kind of relationship, where their partner never appreciate them, they hanging there, in the end it all worthless, you just wasted your time and missing whats actually good for you. Even, probably, you missed whats best for you.

i know it's hard for the first time to end a relationship no matter how abusive it is. The heartache, the pain, the rejection, the wonder of not knowing why they didn't love you properly, asking yourself where did you go wrong, and the question of why you never good enough for them. But believe me, time heals almost anything.
the time will come for you to forget them. But, Spending time on someone who didn't appreciate you were worst than those painful feeling, actually.


and i've been there, there are someone who hurt me that way(my ex, not my ex, who cares) .. At first i was felt miserable and worthless, i felt sad, and felt insecure about myself, i get mad to the one who hurt me, everytime i saw him or heard about him cause me a weird feeling in my stomach (not in a good way). But after a while those heartache and painful feeling were slipped out of my hand and now i don't give a damn anymore
i can't even hate him, because i'm so movinggg on ..
that's how you know you healed.Everything about them were meaningless to you. You didn't give a damn about how would they think about you, because you DIDN'T EVEN CARE. You can even smile when you see them because you felt nothing, it's almost like a formal smile you throw at someone you know.

you are the one who create your life paths, what you wanted to sacrifice, or the choices you made. so don't complain when it didn't goes your way, or blame someone else for a decision you made yourself.
it's your choice after all..

Happy Late Valday Part 1

Well, actually i've been wanted to write about this a several weeks a go
but probably i'm too lazy to type.
well, now, i've got the time and the excitement to do it, so ...

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

so it was valentine day at 14 February. And naaahhh , i don't wanna share my valentine day experience since i've been single for more than a year by now. Basically i just spent my valday with friends and my cable of course.
but, seen everyone's social media update about their valentine day was remain me of how my love life was.
and so this time i just wanna share a bit of it ..

after junior high to my freshmen year at college, i've been single for like 4 years or so
when suddenly this hot looking guy at my school started to flirt with me, during our graduation day and i was feels like puppy wiggling it's tail whenever he texted me or called me .. not knowing that it would be the good yet the worst choice i've ever gonna make.

let's call this guy Guy. After a few months later, me and Guy were goin' steady, i was fascinate by him, and kept thinking that this stuff is serious, i like him a lot and i want this to last as long as it can be.
first, things were going great! he is a responsible guy and kinda nice to me, i was only seeing myself as a lucky girl, Guy were handsome and has been one of the guy that talked about among girls back at my school, yet he was choose me as his girlfriend.

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

after a 1-2 month, i started to notice that Guy never published any of our moments together at his socmed, or never showed that he was dating someone (which is me) back then. But i kept thinking whatsoever, as long as he did not seeing any other girl(s) i'm good with it, plus he acted as a good boyfriend, so why bother with social media anyway.

but then, i started to saw a post from a girl in his facebook wall, but i decided not talk to him about it. It's simply because we've only been together for a couple month, and i don't wanna be a bitch and forbid him to communicate with every girl, eventho' those comments from several girls almost look a like that they're flirted with each other, and the worst part is he's the one who started the conversation by simply just saying "Hi! you were getting prettier, how you doin? i've haven't heard from you in a long time". but then again i tell myself, if he really wanted to flirt, at least he would do it in his inbox (i didn't know his socmed password anyway). So whenever he have this conversation thru his facebook wall, i won't say anything, i kept calm and compose, even everytime i saw their comments on each others wall kinda made me have this weird feeling in my stomach, it's kinda ticklish and my hand and leg were turn cold, and my breath felt so heavy. Kinda jealous i guess..

So it's our 4-5 month together and there's a girl ( let's called her Gal ) that suddenly texted me and called me a bitch for stole her boyfriend. and i knew this girl, she's in the same school as mine, and i know that they both were dating back at senior high, but Guy told me they were broke up before we got steady, and so it never crossed my mind that he was lying .. well think about it, maybe because i was so naive back then.


Please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now

so that girl told me that they've been dated for almost three years on that exact moment, but i wouldn't believe her and ignored her. But i finally told this to Guy, and he said he was sorry this happened to me too. He described Gal as a psychotic girl who kept chased him away even if Guy doesn't want to be with her anymore. He has been dated a few girls before me and Gal kept disturbed his relationship until everyone he dated were had it enough and broke him up. Not knowing much about the truth, and being naive and stupid one, i do believed him. I kept ignored Gal whenever she threatened me in my socmed, called me, and texted me with mean things that no one can ever imagined. And i can tell you that this girl is totally psycho and mean. I was pretty terrified back then. 

Guy kept told me everything will be okay, and he will calm her down. But as time goes by, i finally found the truth. Long story short, i knew that Guy actually has been dated Gal even when he dated me ..as much as i hate that girl for the way she behaved, turns out she's the one who telling the truth. Gal's psychotic and mean behavior turns out comes from a fact that Guy has this .. hmm i dunno how to say this nicely, but he kinda had mental disorders, womanizer, playboy stuff that he couldn't conquer, so during their relationship for more than 3 years, Guy had cheated with a lots of girls, when i say a lot, believe me you can't count it And the funny thing is, during my freshmen - junior year i've met lots of girls who saying they knew Guy, they used to going out together. Some of those girls became an acquaintance of mine, friends, few that became my best friends.

i can see why Gal threatened me and kept saying that i stole Guy, Guy is a manipulative human being, he can convinced me that Gal is such psychotic, and probably he told the same thing to Gal about me too.
Gal told me that he kept saying he'll change into a better boyfriend (Ooo yep, Gal and i make peace in the end), but it never happened. Gal has this planned for three of us to met without him knowing it. So we've confront him (It's not gonna be the first time, but i won't tell another story of it.. this is just FYI) and Gal told him that if Guy and me were really dated, Guy shouldn't seeing her anymore. He's kinda embarrassed that he didn't say a thing. After Gal left, He told me "You were so mean, don't you think that she'd devastated and how sad she was gonna be?" well i guess we know who mean much .. But after that, we had this long conv and he told me he will forget her and choose to stay with me. 

I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you'll understand

Suddenly things got rough for me, every ugly truth were came out, what happened during their relationship were happened to ours too. And i couldn't handle it they way it has to be, so i kept telling myself that deep down Guy loved me and every girl he flirted behind my back was only because he felt lonely inside or any other stupid reason that i kept telling myself which i forget now. I actually told some people that i'm single, because Guy rarely took our photos together and he didn't published it much, and it almost looks like he didn't have gf. So i thought why i should be the only one who excited about this. 

When i think that things couldn't get any worst .. it does .In the end i knew Guy are still madly in love with Gal. At the end of the day, i knew they still dated since Gal told me so a few months later after the intervention we did. I just couldn't believe it. i thought that he really meant it when he told me he choose me. But, turns out he told Gal the same thing. unbelievable uh? how manipulative and foxy he was. But then again, i was blind. i see what i wanted to see, and feel what i wanted to, i didn't listen what my friends said about how douche he was, i was blind and deaf.

After 8 months of dating, Gal finally had new boyfriend which cause Guy left her eventually. When i think i finally had a better chance with Guy, Funny things happened. Gal kept calling him, even if she already dated someone else. How perfect they are for each other. Guy in a confusion and miserable feeling, but still loved her, sometimes fall for this girl's seduction (okay it's not exactly seduction, but let's call it that way). But finally Guy decided not to care about Gal anymore. So things between Gal and Guy were finally ended.


But, guess what ??? it's not the same for Guy and any random girls, it's never gonna be over . But he won't let me go.He flirted with LOTS of girl in front of me (and more behind my back which i knew later), he ignored me most of the time, he able to text any girls but me, he compare me to every girl he like, and by that moment i didn't realized that i was in a abusive relationshit, not physically, but mentally. I lost my confidence and i kept thinking no one will ever want me but Guy, he even didn't treat me properly, i felt very insecure about myself, and i never expect the best of me. I get angry whenever he's fooling around with everyone else (yet hurts like hell) but he would angry back at me and told me i was too much and exaggerated things. When i trully ignored him, he would said nice thing to me, and i know that i'm fooled myself into believed him. And it happened repeatedly.
i kept telling myself and some of my friends that he really loved me, he just needed a time to change his jackass behavior. My friends who knew about this saying that this wasn't love, i shouldn't be hanging here, it's not a healthy relationship. But i ignored them


I know this was actually a lied i told myself back then, because i can't handle the truth. Deep down i know he didn't love me, but i convinced myself because it hurts me just simply knowing i'm NEVER gonna GOOD enough for him, it really does hurts :( .. And i'm afraid people will judged me "YES, SHE HAS NOTHING GOOD ON HER. IT'S LUCKY FOR HER TO HAVE HIM" . That's why i put so much effort to be what he wanted me to in this abusive relationship where i cried most of the night and asking where did i go wrong, and how am i ever gonna be enough for him.


And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

There are also times when Guy told me about Gal, how he miss her, how everything about her is all he ever wanted to be, when i get mad and sad, he actually did not care, he even told me that if really loved him, i should've comfort him instead of being angry , but at that almost a year relationship, i find hurts and wrong when he told me to do so. mostly Gal's the one that he compared to me. And back then, i believed him that i'm worthless, unpretty as she was, how i dressed ugly than she ever was, he compared me almost about eveything, and believe me, even my opinion about everything were compared to hers. and sadly, in order to please him, i change the way i am, the way i look, the way i dressed and everything he wanted me too. Too bad, it didn't make him change into a better boyfriend.

there are also time when Guy were trully interested towards another girlS, he flirted with them, gave them hope, and abandoned them just like that, like they didn't matter, when he got bored with me, he will find another girl for him to play with. With an attractive face and very communicative skill, it is easy for him to find a new prey. Even tho' it hurts me like hell , i mostly feel bad to those girls, they have no idea how douche he was. and seen how they're  responding , as a girl, i knew they liked him too.

The funny thing is, everytime i really mad and finally had the courage to leave him, the idea of him alone, lonely, cried about Gal, seduced every girl, but never really meant it were saddened me. Woahh okay, okay i'm not trying to looked as a saint here, but here's the thing, i've been with him for almost a year, and i know the good and the bad of him, he might be one of the greatest douchebag, but, even if he mean, that doesn't meant he didn't have a good side. Have you guys ever hated someone that much but at some point when you see them or think about them, you  feel sorry for them? even if they haven't been nice to you? well that's kinda how i felt. 

Another reason i stayed with him is because i never think that i could be loved by another person, and i have a ugly mindset that i'll make Guy change, and love me sincerely, treated me properly the way every girlfriend should be treated. the way every normal relationship should be. because if i just left him, it all will be useless, my time, every effort i spend on him will be for nothing, my goal is, i want him to treated me properly. So i repeated this mantra many times in my head "Guy Loves you, give him time, and show him you love him, one day it all will be paid off" 


And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have



So i stuck with him for more than 2 years in a on-off relationship. Long story short, he changed. truly changed. The crazy thing is he told me he just trully loved and cared about me that time. IT TOOK TWO FREAKING YEARS and all along i told myself a lie that he loved me too. And it hit me so damn hard heard this from him.

but it doesn't matter .. i got what i want that time, to have a real relationshi(t)p.  But one day, it hit me hard that, i didn't loved him anymore. after almost 4 years, i realize i tried so hard to be what he wanted me too, i tried to be patience, cared much, listen up to his life's story, and support him all the time,i did all of those things because i want too, because it's what you'd do in any relationship, don't you ?. But he already use to it without realizing it. He never listen to every story i told him, whenever i tried to talked to him about what interest me, he would interrupt me and didn't bother to ask what i wanted to say earlier, it happen almost every single time. Or the way he kept asking my opinion but didn't actually care because he already had his own, and whenever i said the things that didn't exactly same as his, he'd actually get upset and kinda angry at me for it. In my defense, in order to maintain a relationship, we should've appreciate each others opinion, right? but he didn't. Even my story seems like trash. but he get mad whenever i had nothing to tell, he told i'm a boring human being and he's the one who always have something to say. Fiuhhhh. Not that i didn't complain to him about this (more than once or twice). He'd said he's sorry but kept things they just like before.Same old same old


And whenever he got something that troubled him, he'll always complain about it. And i don't mind, i meant, he had my shoulder to lean on, i support him, and criticize him in a kind way so he feel inspired. But i don't think he cared in every encouragement i told him, because he ignore it and continued to whining and complain. At first, i thought it was too hard on him so i let him the way he is, but the same thing kept happened every damn time. He whine and told me how rough his life was, and i encourage him again, but got ignored (again). For me, whenever i get upset about something, and told him about it, he never took it seriously, he never encourage me sincerely, he even make it as joke. In a bright side, he might just tried to cheer me up, but not in a good way. So it's actually my friends that knew me more than my own bf. because i can't really told him almost about anything. he don't listen or even care anyway. but still, i played my role as a good gf because i love him and when you loved someone, you wouldn't ask much in return. And you did the thing you do simply because it's love.


So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say, "I love you," when you're not listeningAnd how long can we keep this up, up, up? 


So i realize that .. This is not love .. because i smell this selfishness , it's actually just possession. He didn't care much about me as a woman, as a human being, he only care about my presence, about how i'm gonna listen to him, how i'm gonna cheer him like his personal cheerleader, how i'm gonna be there for him , or how he have someone to spend his weekend with. It was all a one way relationship, his own WAY of relationship.


One day, i felt nothing towards him. No love, just pity. I pity the lonely him, the way he never changed because he thinks he always looks good no matter what. Even if i didn't felt anything, i didn't dumped him because i thought this feeling were only temporary, but after almost 6 month, it's torture me. 
it's killing me seeing him or being with him. i didn't happy AT ALL.. one day he get mad at me for criticizing him and said "Well why don't we broke up then" in confusion and happiness i told him "if thats what you want". And i'm glad he is the one who dumped me, so i don't have to do the dirty job.
a week after break up, i cried most of the night not because of brokenhearted but 100% i couldn't stand the idea of Guy being sad and alone, in other word, i feel bad for him.But after that it was the happiest day ever.
Turns out, he want me back, but i don't want to be with him anymore, i told him i was happy without him. But up until now, he still wanted me back. 


Here's something that i realize and he don't . I don't think he loved me, he just want to have me. I've been telling him that i don't want to be with him anymore, and he kept texted me about how selfish and mean i was to him, he didn't dated again just for me, in case we could start all over again.
Well, i've been told him i don't want to be with him anymore, i didn't told him to wait for me or give me a space. But he kinda blame me for not wanting him. it's not love honey, it's never been. But i think he'll never get it anyway. 

Make sure to keep my distance

Say, "I love you," when you're not listening

How long 'til we call this love, love, love?

I Dreamed a Dream

when i was 6 or so, i remembered that i was looked at my 12 years old 6th grader at my school with these weird feeling - i don't know if i have to called it envy or just a childish jealousy- i wanted to be like them, i wanted to be as cool as them, like i WANNA GROW fast. i want to be those cool kids and act like a senior around younger kids.

Seventeen years later, which is now, i'd kill to have those childhood moment one more time. 

Funny how growing old turns out wasn't that good. And now i understand why being a child is the best thing ever.

as we grow, we found out there's these kind of weird situation that could makes you're heart feel ache, indescribable pain. Not only you're heart, some of these symptoms such as disappoinment, a very tired mind and body yet you can't sleep, a miserable feeling, heartbroken, rejection, and other failure that might prettify our lives. NO, i'm not saying that we shouldn't grow up, but sometimes when you grows it's not only a matter of number, but it's our maturity that counts. We always have this conversation between our friends or even to ourselves about someone that older than you but they're attitude isn't showing the same number, right? yes that kind of thing.

as we grow older, there are lots of thing that we should compromise. not only we have to compromise when people hurt us (intentionally or not), but we also yield what we really wants in order to maintain something more valuable than just what we wants (Friendship, Family, Lover for example)

 

as i grow up i've been rejected, reject, love, loved, at at some point i hit my lowest point where i felt worthless, loser, or a dirtbag, but somehow i bounce back and learnt from my mistake and figure where did i went wrong.

and now, after a few years of living in a good reality, i hit that lowest point again, where i can't even shed my tears.

have you ever heard you're dreams crumble in front of you?

i have

i heard it day by day 

and i fight the urge to slam my head to the wall for every hours that i live.

i fight the urge of hurting myself.

The storm will somehow pass, it won't rain forever. They said

Everything will make sense one day. They said.

after living a good reality where i know what to do next, and figure out what exactly i wanted, where i have a purpose for living, today those were like a good dream.

felt like those Les Miserables song, i dreamed a dream

i thought that life will be better than this hell i'm living.

not that i never tried to change this situation i'm on.

i tried, i try, i'm trying. every single day.

but somehow, i suddenly become Alice, where everything that i wanted to reach suddenly feel so small and so far away. When i tried to reach it, the smaller and the further it's gets.

but when i felt so miserable that i think being death were better than this,

my wise old beloved mom did say these words of wisdom  

there are several things in life that goes beyond our control and capability.

when that do happens in you're life, it's the way you react thats gonna change it. 

when you think there's no way out, you have to keep moving forward, in case you might closer to the exit door than you think.

life's a mystery and a misery. things are rarely goes the way we wanted.

well, there are some lucky one whose life goes well, but no matter how you keep thinking about it, it won't get you anywhere. try you're own luck, or make you're own luck. since life's a mystery, you never know what you might find at the end of the tunnels right? 

don't stop believing, praying, and trying. When you shows how determined you are, somehow hardwork will never betray you

it's a part of growing up, because if you grow without these pain and miserable thing, you never really appreciate things, or even people because you never been in their shoes. but now that you felt this hardship on your own, you will learn one things that any parents might can't even teach : sympathy

don't you worry for any troubles that ahead you there always be a lesson that no one can ever teach.

experience always has been the best teacher, uh?

let them teach you then. 

( i exaggerated some words, but in the end the lesson that counts !)

i realize that no matter how hard it is. you have to tried and work harder, even when it's get rough.

because there might be no rainbow now, and the storm were too hard too handle

but the bigger the storm, 

the prettier the rainbow.

i still living in these hell i am, but i don't give up as i did yesterday.

no, i can't.